While we all live differently, our lives, our actions and our words affect more than just ourselves. Sometimes it can’t be helped but to have our lives affected by the lives of others, both positively or negatively. This is an open letter to someone I know, who I doubt would ever read this. While this is not everything I want to say, it’s what I think they should hear. It’s more of a personal post than usual but something I may look back on for myself.
I don’t hate you, but I don’t like you,
My feelings towards you are somewhere in between.
You’ve always been the one who “could do no wrong”
Even when you did wrong.
I know how you grew up, you grew up fast.
Maybe that’s why you’re this way,
But it’s also why I thought you’d be different
There’s no denying we were close,
At least at some point.
I still have fond memories of us dancing in your room,
And climbing up and down all those stairs.
But something changed.
We were raised differently no doubt,
No one better than the other.
But eventually we changed.
I went through a rough stage, and so did you.
One worse than the other.
Our ideas of what our lives should be changed,
We just could never get back together,
So an invisible hatred formed .
Now as I said, I don’t hate you.
But I do hate your life and the way you choose to live it.
Because I always thought you could do better.
We are close in age, comparisons happen.
We lived different lives.
We made different choices.
But we were always compared.
And I didn’t want to be compared to you.
They never compared the positive things,
Only the negative.
All the things I never wanted to be thought of.
And I was mad, because I couldn’t understand,
How you could be thought of a certain way and not care?
But I cared.
So I distanced myself from you.
And you from me.
Only knowing whats new through whispered gossip.
But you’ve been through a lot.
And so have I.
Yours just more public than mine will ever be.
And I don’t agree.
So I shut my mouth,
Because criticism isn’t your friend.
Now you’re going through a lot,
You seem really happy.
Everything seemed to be falling in place,
Through your struggles,
You kept going.
So I thought you’ve become better.
Until all the excuses came
And all the lies and accusations.
All the stories you built up,
All the ways you thought you could get to me,
Make me feel inferior.
Like I was some kind of bully,
Like everyone in your life is a bully to you,
But it’s all untrue.
But you’re always the victim.
You stated “I don’t hate you”
As if to begin on a better note,
Yet you continued writing,
Writing all the wrong.
And all the things I should say disappeared.
Because you wouldn’t care.
It would never end.
So I ended it.
We don’t have to like everyone that comes in our lives, inevitably there will be people you just don’t like. And that’s okay. What I would give to have a conversation with this person, a nice, civil, but brutally honest conversation with this person. Because while I have my feelings about them, I can only imagine their feelings towards me, but I would love to know. Can this be mended? I don’t think so. Can it be resolved? Probably.
But despite everything, in all honesty. If you are reading this. I can imagine your mad. Very very mad. So mad I am sure that I will be hearing from you soon. But please know that I am happy for you. I want you to be happy. I may not agree with you, but as long as you are doing what you feel is right and doing what makes you happy then I am glad. I am sure my acceptance of your happiness is meaningless, but I cannot deny that I still love you because at one time we were close, and I am glad we were.
p.s we have so many similarities that we could have made some great memories lol
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© Amanda Mallie, 2017